sharp, surprising stab in the back...

First off thinking and praying for my dearest auntie godmother who had a double mastectomy yesterday...Dearest Auntie I love you more than words! You are so special, kind, giving, thoughtful, selfless and wonderful! A true inspiration...you don't need boobs to be any of those things:) I promise to have a petite syrah and lentil soup ready to aid in a speedy recovery.

FUCK CANCER (sorry but swearing is necessary sometimes!)

As far as thoughts of my father we still are going through the motions, living life and able to laugh and talk about dad but then it(the reality of his absence) sneaks up behind you and stabs you in the back...but as my mom said that is good. We need to feel it.

The most recent tear-jerker was this morning, a card from my great-aunt Audrey who lives in Arizona:

My most outstanding memory of Kim is when he met me at the airport after Dayton died(my father's father). He greeted me with a big hug and his famous smile, and I thought:"I bet he learned to show warmth that way from Theresa(mom)." Us Johnsons, my generation and previous ones for sure, were pretty much taught not be very demonstrative. So I thank you for your love for him and for helping him and will always remember him that way. He really made me feel like family.

So thank you Aunt Audrey for the note and for keeping in touch! Very special!


The above photo is from when my mom and dad came to Turkey to check out this other life. It makes my heart so happy that my dad got to meet the future in-laws and see just what I have been living. It one thing to hear about places but a whole other to experience them.

My dad's neck had gotten really cramped from his first really long plane trip. Well at the time we blamed the trip but in hindsight we wonder if it had to do with the cancer? I was helping support his neck so he could see the beautiful domed ceilings at the Hagia Sophia mosque/church(a must when you all come visit us in Istanbul:).We were laughing away of course.

The one time I could support my dad. He loved and supported us countless unasked times. I realize now something I sort of took for granted, the solid rock, supportive roots that was my father. But now I ask myself "WWKD" -What Would KAJMAN Do? How would my father do it? It helps.

I was inspired to post this pic since my dear seester has a photo of her and dad on facebook. It is good to be reminded even though it hurts.

Thanks to all for sharing stories they mean a lot to us. Never forget.

Girlfriends...

Two of my best girlfriends came to town this weekend. It was amazing and we didn't have to do anything.

Girlfriend sessions are so necessary. It is a counseling session filled with giggles. So good for the soul!

We thought of our San Diego lives when the world revolved around only us and just hanging out together. Now so much has changed; a world not just for us, marriage, birth, death, travels, moves, new houses.

We are in such different times in our lives but it comforts my soul to know we will always be friends no matter how many miles apart we are. That our next generation will have some wonderful aunties! Although I wish I could put you in my pocket and pull you out whenever I need you.

Thankyou for coming my darlings!

Also thank you to my mother's wonderful girlfriends/sisters that have helped her and us all so much through these tough times! You are such special ladies! I worry so much less about my mother's heart hurting when I think of you!

Melt my heart...

I love sleep. I am just a person that requires a full 8 hours to function. My father could get by on 4 and I always was amazed by that.

Being a new mom who is breast feeding you do not get that straight 8 hours. You wake up every 3 or so hours a night to feed your child. Sometimes I hear here start to fuss at 3AM. I think just five more minutes please...but then I awake and look down at my adorable little girl that is so dependent on me and I wake right up.

She recently started smiling...and that is what really melts my heart! I am yet to capture it on film but oh my goodness...melt my heart!

Fall...

It is fall in MN. Normally in mine and I believe many Minnesotans opinion the best time of the year with squash, pumpkins, apples, crisp fresh air...













And of course the colorful leaves, reds, yellows, oranges and everything in between. The most gorgeous as the sun shines through warming the crisp air.

Minnesotans know that you really have to get ready for the long cold winter though. Unfortuanatly it might be coming earlier than normal this year but we hope to get another warm spell!

Mom and I readied the gardens. Picking the carrots and beets. Tearing out tomato plants. Harvesting the herbs and honey crisp apples(probably the best apples I have ever had!)all before the EARLY snow we are supposed to get.

Gardening and working outside is so therapeutic. The smells of the soil and the fresh crisp air in your lungs.

Most Minnesotans are busy canning or freezing their gardens right now. My aunties and sister made salsa. So much you can do to preserve the garden delights for winter; canning, freezing and pickling are a few.

I have previously written about Turkish Turşuci, The pickle man. They pickle anything and everything in Turkey and have whole fabulous shops dedicated to this art. I recently came across and article through Istanbul Eats from Today's Zaman about the best Turşu in Turkey and even how to make it yourself...so for those of you drooling over the thought of pickled everything check out the article here and make some yourself...


















We had our little Mavisu Pumpkin Lovely out for some sunshine and fresh air. My darling Turkish in-laws might be upset to think she was out in the cold but I promise she was bundled up tight and I am being a good mommy. I love her more everyday! We miss her Baba (Daddy) though!

Floating on...

Life goes on...

My mother describes it as "being on autopilot." You just continue even though it just constantly feels like something is missing, like it isn't real.

Even though I am not constantly thinking about how my father is gone it is constantly with me...subconsciously...in the back of my head...a fog...then bam...it hits...I see a photo or think of something I would want to ask him..."Dad, how do you blah blah blah with the computer?" etc. etc...I loose my breathe...I get sick to my stomach...He was a wealth of knowledge plus so much more...and he is gone.

My brother describes it as a "Hole." A hole that will always be with us.
A hole that can't be filled and will be there forever.

It still just feels like a dream. How can he be gone? When is he going to come home? When is he going to walk through the door again smiling? How can we do it without our constant? He was always there for all of us; my mother, two sisters, brother and I...always...no questions asked.

I worry about us all but especially my mother. I know she will be fine, she is so strong! She has a wonderful extended family and so many friends to support her but it just isn't the same. She told me the other day she truely understands what heartache means and how it feels. She says she can handle that life will be harder with out my father. They took care of each other for so long...he did certain things and she did others...but she just thinks about how lonesome she will be...my heartaches for my father and then it aches more thinking of my mother's heartaching...

Mavisu turned 1 month old on the 4th. She helps us all so much. Her new little life. Why is it you can just stare at babies and be completely entertained?

Our journey from Turkey to America was a long one. My husband had a driver pick us up in Didim and drive us to him in Eskisehir, 7 hours. Then from Eskisehir to Ankara, 3 hours to get mavisu's emergency passport all while faxing papers and trying to prove my citizenship so she could get her passport, grieving. We got it, then back to eskisehir...drove to Istanbul,4-5 hours to fly out...flew from Istanbul to Chicago, 11 hours with Mavisu in her little bag. She was such a good girl. Then Chicago to Minneapolis, 1 hour. But whatever...you just do it...more autopilot...

Greeted with hugs, kisses and crys. But where is dad? He always picks me up at the airport? Shit...

In the month since Mavisu has been born...she becomes more precious everyday...She is opening her beautiful little eyes for longer, she has gained over a pound, plumb healthy little baby fat, she is getting more facial expressions and can focus on your face now. She is getting strong, holding her neck up, bobbing her head.

We are going to stay in MN until after christmas. It was my beautiful husbands idea, to share his wife and new baby with his mother-in-law. He knew she needs us for a while. I don't think he realized just how hard it would be for him...so hard...but he is selfless...wonderful and thoughtful...he will visit us soon and thank you god for skype.

So for now we are all floating on( check out the Modest Mouse song) covered by a fog, hearts aching but so thankful for all our memories, other blessings, each other and all the kind words, stories, cards, gifts that have been shared. Our father's legacy.

Happy 34th Anniversary...

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” -David O. McKay

And love her he has!

Our father passed away this morning at 1:30AM Minnesota time(9:30 AM Turkey). My sister said his breathing became labored and they understood the end was near so my mother climbed into bed with him. He passed away next to his life-long love. He waited until their Anniversary, today September 13th my mother and father have been married for 34 years. He waited...

Thank you megs and mom for writing on the caring bridge site...it has helped so much, my distance to read and thank you everyone for visiting it and sharing stories about how wonderful my father is...uhhh was...so hard...

Thank you for waiting to have the funeral service when we get there...I need it...I need to grieve together with you all...I need to cry together and laugh together..hear the stories...tell the stories...with my family...with all that know and love everything beautiful about our KAJman!

Although I will forever regret not physically having said goodbye to you dad I know you would understand it all. You have always been rational and supportive...even of this big move...you have always thought we have good opportunities in this developing country of Turkey. I am so glad you and mom made it here last year. ohhh but it is just so far...still...how did it happen so fast? We know you didn't want to be the sick guy in the corner ever though...

Should have, would have, could have...what if they would have found it sooner...what if you would of stopped smoking years ago...what if...stop.

You would love your granddaughter so much and you will from afar be her protective angel. As my brother said, "You tag teamed...mavisu in and you out", you overlapped...thank god she came early! You will always be connected and she will hear how wonderful you were and it will inspire her...inspire her to be her own unique person...kind and considerate of others...strong and opinionated...happy and smile in knowing that family is so important. I am going to raise her well, as I was so fortunate to have been with help of her beautiful father who I know you approved of and that means so much! You always said Çağlar would have his own private jet one day, my entrepreneur...if only it was now:)

Now every time I look at a computer, see a picture, see diet coke, chocolate, etc. so many things I will think of you and for now it will make the tears flow but I am so much better for having known you...thank you for being you my wonderful, special father!

I love you forever father dear...xoxoxo...thank you for everything...

I promise to take the best care of your granddaughter...we now all draw strength from her new life!

"If I could"...

Our beautiful daughter was born healthy 9 days early on September 4th, 2009 at 10:40 AM Turkish time. She was born 3.25 kilos(7.2 lbs) and 20 inches long. She is gorgeous and we are so in love with her and feel so blessed!

At the same time across the ocean my father is dying...

My father-in-law has been sick with cancer for the past year, since last August. We moved to Didim to be closer to him during his last days.

Some days when I would get frustrated by this Turkish life my mother would remind me, "what if it was your dad, What would you want to do?" and I would agree that I would have to be next to him. To celebrate his life, to be together with the family as we have been with my in-laws...

But in some sick twist of fate it is my father that is the sick one...some how since his diagnosis on June 15th, only three months ago(another sick twist of fate that diagnosis came 2 days after I left Minnesota from my month long visit and how can two grandpas both be sick with cancer?) my father went from having kidney cancer with a good prognosis, a really good chance to make it through, he was working in the yard and out socializing, to this last week having gotten so weak with the cancer having spread absolutely everywhere eating him from the inside out that when I see him from skype it doesn't even look like my father anymore???

We have done all this waiting and circling for my father-in-law expecting him to pass and now it IS my own father that is going to leave us prematurely...

how? why? It is all happening too fast!

I will tell our daughter so many stories...about how beautiful her grandpa was(I can't believe I have to start using past tense...it is so wrong)...how kind, intelligent, quirky and wonderful. How he would help anyone who needed it but was especially always there for his family; my mother and us four kids.

I know he understood when I called and said I was going into labor and I think he understood the first day we came back from the hospital...his first granddaughter was born...and she is perfect!

I have been listening to music for days straight just nursing our daughter and spending time with my new little family between skype calls with my family in Minnesota and have been moved by this Jack Johnson song..."If I could"

Here it is on Youtube

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said "Your tears are like mine"
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could


You know that I would now, be there if I could my dear father...I love you so much!

We are trying to make our way as quickly as we can, getting a passport for our daughter. We need to make sure she won't get sick on the plane with the recycled air and germs. Anyone want to loan us their private jet?

She is the most important now, this new little life...

Must save moisture for milk not tears...